


I Earned This

by Sapphirethurkear13



Category: History (Band)
Genre: Eating Disorder, Forgive me!, I'm honestly sorry but like I might as well post it since I wrote it, IM SO SORRY JAEHO I LOVE YOU BUT I COULDNT WRITE ABOUT ANYONE ELSE, Other, Self Harm, This is literally just me writing some depressing stuff..., Vomit, Well~ self harm to an extent, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-11
Updated: 2017-10-11
Packaged: 2019-01-16 05:38:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12336546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sapphirethurkear13/pseuds/Sapphirethurkear13
Summary: -Jaeho POV-Tears running down my face and vomit out my mouth. What's new?





	I Earned This

**Author's Note:**

> I'm like so sorry. I'm prepared for the hate...

‘It's just you. It's always you. When hasn't it been you? That's right Jaeho, it's ALWAYS been you. Why couldn't you be different? You could've been Kyungil’s baby. You could've been his. But look at you, you're alone.’

“SHUT UP!!” I scream at the top of my lungs and pull at my hair. 

‘You know it's true. You caused this. You know what you have to do. I only fake the pain. You can make it reality.’

I lift the seat to the toilet and stare into it. 

This isn't the first time I've done this. The first time I've been so negative. This is part of my routine. Nothing new. 

I cough a little and smile softly. My body already knows what's coming it's natural now. My body expects it. 

‘See you need it. It's bad to break a routine. Get to it, Jaeho.’

I lift my hand up, curling my pinky and ring finger, shaking already from fighting against my mind. I close my eyes and smile as I slip my two fingers into my mouth.

I softly rub my tongue feeling my saliva coat them.

‘You need this.’

They inch down my throat making me swallow and gag. I throw my head forward gaging but only feeling my saliva drip out my mouth. 

‘No no no Jaeho. We know how this works. No cheating it. You need to go all the way back.’

I lean my head back and laugh softly. “I'm so silly aren't it?” I smile and bring my hand back to my mouth, tracing my lips. 

‘Yes, quite silly. Now now Jaeho. You need to feel the pain. Get to it.’

I slide my fingers back into my mouth, not even bothering to rub my tongue, going further into my mouth. I keep going back till I gag hard but I close my lips around my fingers and groan. 

‘Good good. We can force more out like that. We haven't done this in so long. I miss this way.’

I keep gagging and swallowing till I get it to the point where I'm just panting. 

‘Now.’

I ram my fingers deeper immediately snapping my eyes open, tears already falling, giving in and letting everything I ate today spill into the toilet. 

It burns. It hurts. Oh god it hurts. 

I wrap my arm around my stomach, dipping my head deeper, and grip onto the toilet seat with my hand. 

Tears running down my face and vomit out my mouth. What's new? 

‘Now isn't that better? This is how it feels when you aren't enough. When you are a failure, Jaeho.’ 

The last bits slip out of my mouth and I fall back into my butt sobbing. 

I deserve this. This is the pain I deserve. 

My head is pounding and I barely hear myself. 

I pant and gag at the taste of my mouth. The disgusting taste of vomit. I should be used to it by now, but I'm not. I'll never get used to the disgusting taste. 

Tears streaming down my face. Shaking incredibly hard. Squeezing my arms so hard.

My head just keep pounding. I strain to hear the voice but there's nothing. I pant and squeeze my eyes shut trying to relax a little. 

Maybe I just need to throw up again then I can hear my mind talk to me again.

I lift my hand up slowly, feeling how bad I'm shaking. 

‘Jaeho. Jaeho. Hush now. It's okay.’

God I'm shaking so bad. 

I drop my hand and reach for my arms. I squeeze them softly and pant, tears still streaming down my face.

‘It's alright. It's okay. We are fine. We always are.’

I will be okay.. Won't it.. This isn't the first time.. And..

After all,

‘We deserved this’

I earned this.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm SO god damn sorry!!!
> 
> Forgive me!! 
> 
> I just didn't want my writing go to waste!


End file.
